i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
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For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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