I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
