My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
