just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
