there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
