U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
