I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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