I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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