Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize
