So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
