so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
