I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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