And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
