My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
