Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
