He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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