So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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