She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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