i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
they need to just BURY HIM!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The Olympian is in my bed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
