i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
