I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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