i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You're like the curious george of whores
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
