I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
