sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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