Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
