Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
