the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
