he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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