we're chasing vodka with high fives
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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