Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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