I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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