I can't breathe out the right side of my face
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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