elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
