it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
