Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
