I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
