I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i believe in u and ur pee
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
