Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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