Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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