We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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