I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
