On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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