i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
