I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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