ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
