and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
