I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
