im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
