I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So squirting runs in the family.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
