I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
