Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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