I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.