YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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