I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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