i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
