I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
