Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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