ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude i'm inner monologue high
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How naked do you want me to be?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
