so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I would fuck him just for his dog
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
