I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
